


36 questions

by Sugarberry_and_tea



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Based on 36 Questions (Podcast), Breakup, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Relationship Problems, Resolved ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:36:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugarberry_and_tea/pseuds/Sugarberry_and_tea
Summary: Kravitz finds out his fiancé has been lying to him about his identity and life for the whole two years they’ve known each other.  He isn’t even sure he knows the real person beneath the lies at this point, so he leave and returns to his childhood home in an attempt to forget the whole thing and move on.Taako didn’t mean for the lies to get this far, he meant to come clean eventually...but now things are messed up and he’s just ruined the best relationship he’s ever had.  He isn’t look for forgiveness when he seeks out Kravitz, he just thinks Kravitz would appreciate knowing the whole truth before they part.
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to 36 questions again and decided to make myself sad by turning it into a Taakitz au. The story is changed a little bit to fit the characters, but for the most part I tried to follow the original. 
> 
> https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtNwfoP2wEUEOw61pcXKUMg6J0OjOvrOg  
> Here’s a link to the soundtrack in case you wanted to set the mood, this chapter goes from the songs Hear me out and For the Record.

The drive to Kravitz’s childhood home was long and hard. Taako had given the other man a week to himself, he felt it was right to give him some times to think things through before rushing to him. He wished he could be there with him right now, wished the past week hadn’t happened, wished he’d come clean when Kravitz asked him to, wished he’d never lied in the first place. But he’d been an idiot and and he had to pay the price for it now. He’d hurt Kravitz, that much was clear, and in the process he’d hurt himself and just about everyone he cared for. He pumped up the volume in the car, trying to drown out the thoughts that swirled around in his head. No matter how hard he wished for things to be different he’d have to accept that this was his reality. No matter how much he hated to accept it.

Kravitz would probably turn him away, he had every right to, Taako had lied and strung him along for two whole years. He would be angry, but Taako hoped he’d be at least willing to talk. And maybe they’d never see each other again after this, maybe that was for the best. He tried to ignore the ache in his chest at that thought. He loved Kravitz and the thought of being without him was hard enough, he couldn’t imagine never seeing him again. He tried to ignore the feeling of tears in his eyes and the tightness at the back of his throat that had been plaguing him the whole week. He tried to ignore the weight of the ring on the chain around his neck, tucked out of sight under the neck of his hoodie. Up until a week ago that ring had found its home on his finger, a happy reminder that Kravitz loved him and wanted to marry him and be by his side forever. He’d been happy then, even if he was living a lie. It was a blissful lie, a lie he never wanted to end no matter how much the weight of it had wore down on him. But then...things changed and certain truths were revealed and his fiancé, was it ex-fiancé now? Had left without saying goodbye and gone home and Taako was left all alone again in the empty shell of the life they’d created together. 

But he wanted to fix things, or at least try. He owed Kravitz the truth thought. It was the least he could do. It would be like pulling teeth, telling him everything, revealing just how deep the lies went. It would undoubtedly wreck everything. He didn’t expect them to get back together, no matter how much he wanted to. There were some things a relationship couldn’t come back from and he was pretty certain this was one of those thing. So no, he wasn’t doing this to convince Kravitz to take him back, just to explain things to him, maybe both of them a sense of closure. At the very least Taako should give back the ring. It wasn’t right to keep it. It had never been meant for him, it had been meant for Justin, the lie he’d created and lived for so long. Kravitz was in love with Justin, he had to remind himself of that Kravitz didn’t even know the real him, not truly. 

The road he was on winded around, it was empty, leading only to the secluded houses at its end. In their time together Taako had never visited Kravitz’s childhood home. He’d heard plenty of stories about from both the other man and his moms, they’d always made plans to stay there sometime, as a family. It hurt him to think of those promises and how they’d never come to be. After all he wasn’t family anymore. He was just a liar who couldn’t let go. 

The sight of the house crested the hills and he Took in a sharp breath, he’d know that Kravitz’s mom was loaded but it was far bigger than he’d expected. He remembered from what they’d said that it had been in the family for generations, and it looked it. Old and magnificent it filled his entire view, and with it came dread. Kravitz was there, he hadn’t exactly told Taako but he knew him well enough that he was sure he was. He sure as hell wasn’t back at the apartment they’d shared, and when he was upset he liked to be alone so he wouldn’t be staying with a friend or his moms. And he loved this old house, he was there and Taako knew it. 

The sight of a familiar black car proved him correct. It was alone as well, at least that meant his moms weren’t there. They surely knew all about his lies by now, and they must hate him for it. It was a shame, he’d loved them, loved the open way they accepted him into their family when Kravitz proposed. They’d been so exited and happy for the two, and Taako loved tjr though of being family with them. That was all gone now, he’d wrecked everything. 

His tires crunched on the gravel of the parking space, his car coming to a stop slowly next to the other one. With a quick breath and a jangle of keys Taako stepped down and out setting his sights on the front door of the house. It was menacing, not only because of how regal the house looked. Behind that door was Kravitz, the man he loved, the man he’d lied to. Steeling himself he strode towards the door, he had to do this, for both of their sakes he reminded himself. The porch creaked under his weight and the sound of his knock sounded dull and resounding. 

There was no response. He waited, there was no doorbell so perhaps Kravitz was elsewhere in the house and he hadn’t heard the knock. Once again he knocked, harder this time, the resounded rap echoing loudly. He thought he heard something from the other side of the door. The sound of shuffling, creaks and footsteps. When after a moment there was still no response from whoever was on the other side he knocked again. Once more there was movement but the door remained unopened. So they were gonna do it this way, that was fine. He could do this. 

“I know you’re in there” Taako called out. His voice sounded unsteady and shaky, much like how he felt. “I can hear you moving, you’re not very sneaky” once more no response. “Your car is out here, so unless someone stole it and drove it all the way to your childhood home it’s gotta be you Krav” 

He waited hoping that would be enough to get the door opened but still, Kravitz didn’t answer. Didn’t even acknowledge that he was here. Taako blinked, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. He’d known this might happen, that he might never get to see Kravitz again. He’d tried to make his peace with it, but deep down a stupid part of him had hoped that Kravitz would still see him. 

“What I did was shitty” he said, his voice shaking “and nothing I say can fix that, I know. But I know you Krav, you want to know the truth. The real truth, not the one I made up. I’m here to explain myself, I owe that much to you. We’ve been together for 2 years and I never let you meet the real me, and that’s messed up on my part.” He took another deep breath in “if it makes you feel any better I don’t even know the real me at this point anymore, I’ve been lying to myself too.” his eyes stung. Honesty like this was hard for him, if always had been. “you have every right to hate me now, and every reason not to trust me, and to never want to see me again. And if that’s what you really want I’ll leave now and never contact you again. You just need to tell me.” There was another shuffling, like someone had moved all the way to the door. 

“Just hear me out, please” Taako managed to choke out before the door was whipped open in front of his face. Before him stood Kravitz, looking down at him with an expression all angry and sad. Taako was sure he looked pitiful, on the verge of tears, crawling back to Kravitz. In a way he was always pitiful he thought, Kravitz could just see that much now. 

“Come in” the other man said, short and clipped. Like he was talking to a stranger, not the man he’d been with for two years. Almost immediately he turned away and went further into the house, leaving Taako to scramble after him. They’d fought before, but Kravitz had never been this cold to him before. It hurt, badly. It was further proof that whatever they’d had going on was dead and gone. 

The house was much less impressive inside that Taako had been expecting. Things were in various states of disarray, a lighting fixture was taken down in the entry way and a step ladder set up to it. Paintings were off the walls and books off their shelves. It looked like the house was being redone, and yet Kravitz was the only one here. In their time together Taako had never know Kravitz to be one for this kind of thing, but hey maybe he was turning over a new leaf. 

“Your moms ask you to fix this place up?” He asked awkwardly, trying to break the tension. 

“No” Kravitz said flatly. “They don’t actually know I’m here” that was a surprise. Taako had expected them to know about everything right away. His surprise must have shown on his face, since Kracitz was quick to say “they know about what you did. They hate you now” he said it so cooly, like he was talking about the weather. Just instead of saying ‘it’s snowing outside’ he said ‘my moms hate you’. It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, he’d already prepared himself for this hate, and yet it still burned. 

“I deserve that” was all he said. 

“Yeah” the awkward tension returned. They were just standing there in the entry way to Kravitz’s childhood home. Taako started to inspect the lighting fixture, it looked like it was more than just a simple lightbulb change, the thing was in real disarray. 

“It was faulty” Kravitz said, breaking him from his trance. Looking over the other man gestured at the fixture. “The bulb was always flickering, ever since I was young.” Kind of a weird conversation to be having but Taako would go for anything that wasn’t fighting. 

“Did you manage to fix it?” Taako asked. 

“No, I changed the lightbulb and it still flickers. So I opened it up to try and find the problem and now it won’t turn on at all and I’ve got a bigger problem.” Kravitz seemed aggravated, though since it wasn’t directed at Taako it was fine. This was all fine. He’d continue this small talk all day if it meant they were actually talking instead of fighting with each other. 

“What about the pictures, you doing some rearranging?” He asked, trying to keep the conversation flowing. With a heavy sigh Kravitz continued on. 

“No, when I was looking for a new lightbulb I found mold, and when trying to find the source I found out that some of the painting and books had it and then I had to check them all. It’s a whole big mess really.” He seemed tired and stressed. Taako felt bad for him. On top of being lied to he was working himself ragged here. 

“Do you think that maybe there’s a reason you’re trying to fix all these problems” Taako asked softly. He had to get the conversation back to what he came here to do. 

“Because they need to be fixed?” Kravitz said flatly. “Because that’s what you do about a problem? You fix it instead of letting to grow and spread to wreck everything?” It was good to know he still had that sense of sarcasm. 

“I was thinking more that you’re frustrated that you can’t fix our problems and so you’re projecting that onto household issues as a way to make things seem more manageable” from Kravitz’s expression it seemed that he’d hit the nail right on the head. 

“You know, I think finding out that your Fiancé has been lying about his name and just about every fact about himself for nearly two years is reason enough to be frustrated” Kravitz said. “And maybe you’re right. I came out here with one goal, to get over you. So what if I ended up trying to do more than that. I wanted to forget about you but here you are, in my house. Things don’t always go as planned.” He seemed to deflate a little, the anger he’d been holding onto coming out through his rant. “I’m sorry” he said quietly. “I’m frustrated, but I still shouldn’t be taking it out on you.” It hurt just how gentlemanly he still was after everything. He was still the same Kravitz Taako had always known, but he wasn’t the same, wasn’t Justin. He almost wished Kravitz would just snap and yell at him. Tell him every way he’d hurt him, remind him that things between them were ruined and would be fixed. Maybe he was a coward, he just wanted to all to be over with so he could leave and work on getting over Kravitz. He wasn’t even sure he would be able to at this point, he was in so deep. 

“It’s cool homie, I deserve it” he said. Another deep breath, he came here to do something. “Can we go outside he asked” Kravitz looked confused, and Taako didn’t give an explanation, he just moved to the door and went out. He could hear Kravitz follow him out, which was good, they both needed to be here for this next part. 

Kravitz didn’t ask what he was doing as he walked to the gravel parking pad. Didn’t ask what he was doing as he kneeled down and started digging papers out of his bag. Kravitz only watched as he placed all the forged documents he’d accumulated over the past two years on the ground in a pile. Only watched as Taako pulled out a book of matches and looked up expectantly. He had a lighter, a gift from Lup, but something about matches was more raw. All evidence would be destroyed, including the match itself, it would all be gone, all of his lies. 

There was something about the ritual of burning memories. Lup had always done it, burning pictures and letters after a breakup. Burning old homework and tests like she had after their senior year was finished. It was a way of letting go, of destroying all evidence except for memories. A way to prove that it was over and done. 

“We’re gonna burn it all” Taako said “To prove that it’s really done and over. That there won’t be any more lies.” He held out a match to Kravitz expectantly. “It was my lie, but it affected you just as much. We should do it together” part of him was expecting Kravitz to just leave him there on his own. To write him off as a crazy pyromaniac who also happened to be a chronic liar still hung up on an ex. But Kravitz took the match and together they struck them and dropped them down. Destroying all evidence that Justin Kessler had existed. He was gone, nothing but a memory. 

As Kravitz watched the papers curl and disintegrate he thought of how he’d loved Justin. How he’d loved his laugh, his smile all the things about him. Justin was real, he reminded himself. He was a lie, made up by the man across from him. Taako had lied and played him, creating a false identity. For the past week he’d been trying to keep them separate, thinking of them as two separate people. But being here now, seeing Justin, no seeing Taako, for the first time in a week he wondered just how much of it was a lie. Taako bit his lip the same way Justin had when he was nervous, still couldn’t sit still to save his life, still twisted the ends of his long hair when he was anxious. 

“He’s gone now” Taako said, breaking the silence. “He’s gone now and it’s just me” he felt lighter almost, like he’d finally shed the lies. Though not fully he knew, he still had to tell Kravitz the whole truth, and he would, in time. 

“He wasn’t real” Kravitz responded, he sounded less formal, like was warming up to Taako’s presence “you made him up” 

“It was a lot more collaborative than you realize” Taako, said almost to himself. “It doesn’t matter he’s gone now.” 

“I loved him” Kravitz said blankly. 

“Yeah me too” it was true, Taako loved the person he was when he was Justin. He loved who he’d been able to be with Kravitz. But those days were over and he had to move on. He wasn’t here to beg Kravitz to take him back he reminded himself. He was here to give him the truth he deserved, and the closure they both needed. 

“You said you were here to tell the truth, and I want answers” Kravitz said. They were both still focused on just the flames, never looking at the person next to them. “Why does Justin Kessler even exist in the first place” 

Taako took a deep breath. It wouldn’t be easy, opening the floodgates and telling Kravitz everything. But it’s what he needed to do. “The person I was when you asked me for a date that first day when we met was a mess. He was ashamed of who he was and what he’d become. When you showed him an opening, those 36 questions from our first date he saw a chance to be someone better. He built a lie, a lie that was better than himself.” He swelled around the lump that had formed in his throat. “I didn’t expect it to go on this long, I just wanted to be a better person for that one date. But look where that landed me” he let out a small laugh. “Whatever, it’s all gone. I can’t lie about it anymore. I can’t hide from it either I guess.” 

“How are you going to leave” Kravitz asked. It was a peculiar question. Sure it wasn’t strange for him to be kicking Taako out but he’d thought they had something going here. He’d though that maybe he’d be able to come clean, and maybe fix things and get his old life back a small selfish part of himself though. 

“You burned everything, your fake license, your ID’s everything. You can’t go get a motel or anything now. What are you going to do” Oh, well he had an answer for that. 

“Those were only the fake ones. I have my real ones here too. Taako’s fine, I won’t have to stay any longer than you want me to” Kravitz nodded at that but he still looked a little unsure. “Do you want to see them?” Taako asked. 

“I do...I don’t know why but I do” Kravitz said. It was true. He was pretty sure Taako was telling the truth about his name, he didn’t need to see the real proof of it. Besides, with how easily he’d come out with the faked documents for Justin he could have done the same for Taako. For some reason though he was sure Taako was real, realer than Justin had been. Maybe it would be a weird type of closure, a way to finally convince his heart that Justin was gone for good, that Taako was all that remained. 

Rustling in his bag Taako pulled out a passport, his real passport. From the little glance into his backpack, the same one he’d used when they first met he noted, he saw a packet of papers. They weren’t the same as the ones he’d burned, a simple printout that was done at home. He wondered briefly what it was, but the sight of the passport was enough to snap him out of it. 

It was Taako all right, the same face as the one in front of him. The same freckled cheeks and gap-toothed smile. It squeezed his heart to see just how similar it was to the fake he’d grown to know. Taako was 27, same age he’d claimed to be when he was pretending to be Justin. He had the same face, the same hair the same smile, it was getting harder to separate the two do them in his head, at least visually. He mentally chastised himself, he had to stay strong, had to remind himself that it was over. There was proof right in front of him. Looking it over, he found another lie. Taako’s birthday was not the same day he’d claimed when they first met. He wanted to ask, why lie about that? What did it change? And he would, in time. Taako said he had a plan to tell him everything, he’d let him do that first. Wouldn’t let him get sidetracked, wouldn’t let him avoiding telling everything. 

“Ok” he said handing the passport back. “What now, what was your plan” Taako shuffled around and stowed the passport back in his bag. They were still kneeling there in front of the burnt out pile of papers. Kravitz’s knees were starting to hurt from the rough gravel, he wanted to go inside. But he wasn’t sure he wanted Taako there. It didn’t matter that he’d already been in the entry way, if he invited them in they’d have to actually enter the house. He wasn’t sure he wanted that. Mentally he’d already started separating his life in a before and after. A life with and without Taako, Inviting him in would blur the lines between the two. Besides they’d just set a bunch of stuff on fire and he was pretty sure that was a fire hazard. They should wait out here to make sure it didn’t reignite, it had been looking like it would rain all day, once it started he’d go in and send Taako on his way and be done with the whole mess. 

The sky was grey with thick clouds, it looked as if it would burst at any moment, Taako desperately wanted to be inside Kravitz’s house right now but he knew better than to ask. That would be stepping over a boundary, if Kravitz wanted him there he’d ask. Until then they’d sit here, outside on the gravel. There were worse places to talk with the fiancé you’d lied to for your whole relationship. 

“Well, remember our first date?” Taako asked. 

“How could I forget” Kravitz muttered almost to himself. 

“Well you brought along the 36 questions that lead to love and we answered them” Taako continued. His hands were nervously twisting at his hair, a habit he did when he was nervous. The idea he was about to propose was ridiculous, and he was fully expecting Kravitz to shut it down and tell him to go. But whatever, he’d made up his mind, this was the best way to go. “Well answering those questions was where the lies started” he said “so it seems fitting that that’s where we start the truth as well” reaching into the bag he pulled out the papers Kravitz had seen earlier. Sure enough it was a printout of those 36 questions that had started their whole relationship. 

It was a crazy idea, possibly even a stupid one, but for some strange reason it made perfect sense to Kravitz. 

“Fine” he said “so long as you promise to lie again” he’d do it, he’d sit through these questions. They’d remind him of all the things Taako had lied to him about, the lies that stretched all the way back to their first date. “Read me the first question” better to just do it now, quickly so he wouldn’t feel the pain. 

Taako was shocked, he’d expected more fight from Kravitz. “I promise, I’ll tell the truth for every single one” He’d expected to be laughed at and turned away, scrambling him smoothed out the paper and read aloud the first question. “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest” 

Kravitz let out a heavy sigh. He knew his answer, of course he did. He didn’t want to say it though. It was embarrassing and shameful. He wanted to lie, just say some random celebrity and get it done with. But seeing as he’d just made a big deal about how he didn’t want Taako to lie to him again thst wouldn’t be right of him. 

“Taako” he sighed out. 

“Uh, yeah?” The other man said confused “that is my name” 

“No, that my answer. I’d have dinner with Taako. The real Taako, not Justin Kessler or anyone else. I wish that weren’t the answer but it is.” He said heavily. “It would probably end in a fight, but I think that as long as I get answers I can send him away and forget about him at last” he said with a hint of anger. 

“What questions would you ask him” Taako said. He hadn’t looked up, he sat across from Kravitz, still twisting his hair and staring pointedly down at the burnt out pile at his feet. “What do you want to know?” 

“I’d asked him who are you? And why are you living a lie?” And how could you think it’s ok, to lie to your lover and string him along. It’s embarrassing isn’t it, in a world full of people who haven’t hurt me the way you have I’d still want you” Kravitz let out a heavy breath, he’d gotten a little carried away, but every word of it was true. 

“And I’d want to have dinner with you” Taako said softly. 

“Yeah that was pretty obvious” Kravitz said. 

“We could do it you know, we’re at your house we could have dinner and you could ask your questions if you wanted” Taako said “I could whip something up. 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea” Kravitz said. He wasn’t sure when it had started but there were droplets of rain plopping on the ground around them. Maybe they had been for a while and he’d been too focused on Taako to take notice. They were getting stronger by the second and Kravitz realized he had a choice to make. They couldn’t stay ou to the rain any longer, he either had to send Taako away or invite him in. And as much as he didn’t want the other man in his house, he didn’t think he could handle not knowing the rest of the truth. It was like Taako had said earlier, he wouldn’t be able to find peace unless he knew everything. 

“But I don’t think we have much of a choice” he said, standing up and dusting himself off. Taako didn’t join him in standing, still kneeling across from him. “Let’s go in, the rain keeps getting worse” he said and then turned, not looking to see if Taako would follow. He didn’t have to he supposed. Sure he’d promised to tell the whole truth, but Taako had broken promises before, whose to say now would he any different. He heard the sound of Taako standing and then a moment of hesitation before he trotted along after Kravitz. He hated the way his heart fluttered at the fact that Taako had chosen him. The rain kept getting heavier and the two were throughly soaked by now. They’d have to change once they got inside, it hit him belatedly that Taako probably didn’t have anything to change into with him. He’d just have to lend him some clothes, it wasn’t like they’d never done that before. 

By the time they were in the entry way of the home they were both throughly soaked and the printout of the 36 questions a little water damaged. It seemed as though Taako had stuffed it into his bag and ran, it was wrinkled and creased now but still readable. Kravitz lead him in, towards the kitchen. It looked like they were doing dinner. He could of course just stuff Taako into a guest bedroom and call it a night, sending the other man home when the morning came, but dinner sounded better. He’d had to stay strong, remind himself that this wasn’t the man he fell in love with those two years ago, this was the man who’d lied to him and he needed to treat him as such. 

“I’ll get sometime ready” he said awkwardly. The air was tense, it was hard for him to resist the urge to bolt. “There isn’t much in the way of ingredients so I’ll just heat us up something. You’ll have to make do with frozen meals I guess” he said. “You should go get changed, you’ll catch a cold” even if Taako had hurt him he felt pity, seeing him looking so small and soaked. He knew the other man was smaller than he was but usual flashy personality made it hard to remember sometimes. He was a force of nature, bigger than his body. It was strange now, seeing him look so small and unsure, another reminder that he didn’t know this man, not truly. 

“The only clothes I brought are in the car” Taako said. “My bag was just stuffed full of the papers and shit” he trailed off. 

“Just wear something of mine” Kravitz said “you’ve never hesitated to do it before” 

“Yeah but this is different.” Taako said, twisting a strand of wet hair in his fingers “but if you insist” 

Kravitz pointed him off towards his bedroom, calling after him “how do you feel about wine with dinner?” 

Taako snorted out a laugh “do you really need to ask that” and then he was gone, disappearing up the stairs. 

Kravitz tried to focus on prepping dinner for the two of them. Taako was the cook in their relationship, he was great at it and enjoyed doing it so in their time living together Kravitz and mostly relied on him to make this meals. It made him feel pathetic now, how much he missed those home cooked meals, the amount of time and care Taako had taken to make them. Since he left he’d mostly been eating take out and freezer meals. It’s all he had, he wished Taako could make him something. No matter how shameful that sounded. 

He knew that what he was doing was self-destructive. He should have turned Taako away the moment he showed up on his doorstep. Should’ve never opened the door for him in the first place. It would be all too easy to let himself forget about everything and fall right back into love with him. Even now, the easy way Taako had bantered with him had his heart fluttering. It was the same way he’d always teased, and for a moment a stupid part of him had forgotten everything that had lead them here. That stupid part of him had wanted to run after Taako, wanted to grab him into a hug and kiss him and forgive him. It was stupid, he’d made up his resolve not to forgive Taako. He’d promised his moms that he’d have nothing to do with him after the other man had hurt him so much. And he didn’t break his promises. 

He’d keep them focused on the questions. Wouldn’t let himself self-destruct and mess things up. They’d answer the questions and the answers would remind him of all the lies Taako had told him. Of course he felt a little sorry for the other man, whoever he was beneath all the lies. He truly seemed like he’d been lying to himself as well. It must be hard, being such a pathological liar, and he hoped Taako got help and got better. But that wasn’t his job. He wasn’t a rehab center or a therapist, he was a victim of Taako’s lies. And maybe Taako too was a victim of his own lies, but that wasn’t Kravitz’s problem at the moment. His problem was getting answers and then getting over Taako. That was it. As much as he didn’t want to he had to accept that his old life was gone and there was no way of getting it back. 

Upstairs Taako pulled off his wet hoodie and shirt. They pooled on the floor, leaving a wet mess. He wasn’t quite sure where to put them so he settled on draping them over a hardwood chair. Maybe at least this way they’d only be damp when he had to put them back on tomorrow. He toed off his sneakers and hung his socks over the chair as well. It felt like an invasion of privacy to grab clothes from Kravitz’s things. It didn’t matter that he’d been given permission, he knew he was unwanted here. It felt like too much to go through his drawers, save for grabbing the first pair of socks from his sock drawer. He looked around hoping Kravitz had left at least some of his things out. As he stood there, in just his damp shorts he spotted a shirt draped over the side of the small desk in the room. 

He’d worn Kravitz’s shirts before, he loved it in fact. It would probably be too much if he did now though. It would be wrong and invasive. But the temptation was too strong, this would probably be the last time he was able to wear one of Kravitz’s shirts. He swept his hair up into a messy bun and pulled the sleeves on before he could start to doubt himself. It wasn’t weird, he reasoned. Kravitz had offered to let him borrow clothes and this was the first thing he’d found. Besides most of his clothes were like this, if he dug around he’d probably find ten identical shirts. Just this one had been worn already. It was probably a bad idea, the shirt still smelled like Kravitz’s cologne. The smell brought back so many memories he’d been trying to keep back. Warm memories of snuggling and being held, if wearing Kravitz’s clothes and missing him when he was off somewhere for work. He was hit with the urge to rush downstairs and beg for forgiveness, to beg Kravitz to take him back to the life they’d been living before. He squashed that urge down, that wasn’t what he’d come here to do. He wasn’t here to try and win Kravitz back, he knew that wasn’t something that could happen, as much as he wished it was. 

He buttoned the shirt up, leaving the top few open. It was enough that the chain with the ring on it was visible, before this he’d had to tucked into the neck of his hoodie. He wasn’t sure how Kravitz would respond to him still wearing it. He’d seen that Kravitz no longer wore his. Maybe he should take it off, shove it in his pocket or maybe he should leave it here. He could leave it on his bedside table, next to the picture of a much younger Kravitz and his moms. 

His moms, they hated him now. It was a tough notion to except. He liked them a lot, maybe in another life, a life where he hadn’t lied, he could have been a part of their family. He’d ruined that though, that was on him. He thought of how crazy the turn of events was. Bringing back the 36 questions was a spur of the moment idea he’d had at 4am that he impulsively clung to. He hadn’t expected Kravitz to play along to it so well. He pointedly didn’t read ahead in the questions, didn’t think about the answers he’d give, didn’t give himself any opportunity to lie again. And maybe it wouldn’t fix anything, maybe it would make things worse but he had to try. A little part of him though thought that if Kravitz really didn’t love him anymore the way he claimed he didn’t he wouldn’t have let Taako in at all. Maybe the fact that he’d even gotten this far proved that things weren’t as broken as he once believed they were. 

And then he was done, heading back downstairs. Reentering the kitchen he was met with the sight of the table set for two, two plates set across from each other. The food was nearly done and the wine was already placed on the table. Kravitz looked up as he entered the room and Taako didn’t miss the way he looked him over. It sent a little buzz through him, and he tried to push the happy feeling that filled him down. 

The first thing that Kravitz noticed was that Taako was wearing one of his shirts. He should have expected that when he told him to wear his clothes, shirts like that made of up most of what he owned after all. It just looked so reminiscent of the life they’d been living before. He could almost pretend that they were back in their apartment, that his lover had slept in and came down to meet him wearing only one of his shirts. The necklace caught his eye next. He recognized the ring that hung from the chain, he wasn’t surprised that Taako still wore it. It seemed that the joy he’d expressed about loving it hadn’t been fake after all. He wasn’t sure how he felt, he certainly didn’t want to marry him anymore. He’d taken off his ring, it was stowed in the drawer of his desk upstairs. Taako seemed to except though that they were through, yet still for some reason he wore the ring. As the microwave beeped to signal that their food was done and Kravitz tore his eyes away to retrieve it he decided to brush it off. Taako could keep wearing the ring for all he cared, it was just a ring to him now, no longer important. 

He heard Taako move over to the counter across the room from him. He didn’t look to see what he was doing, didn’t think he could look at him again right now without wanting to hold him. He wouldn’t break his composure. The meals were quickly plate and he wheeled around to see that Taako had found a candle somewhere and placed it on the table. He was in the middle of rifling through his bag, probably looking for his matches. Kravitz set the plates down, and sat himself in his seat. 

“What’s with the candle” he asked as Taako finally got it lit. 

“I dunno, thought it might help with the mood” Taako said moving to take his seat. 

“And what exactly is the mood?” Kravitz asked. 

“Hopeful I guess” Taako said, fiddling with his fork. He didn’t say anything about the food, Kravitz half expected him to, he’d never been shy to criticize any food other than his own before. “It reminds me of our first date, and since we’re redoing the questions I figured maybe it fit? It’s stupid, if you don’t like it I’ll blow it out” it was strange seeing the once confident person before him so unsure. 

“No, it’s fine.” Kravitz said. It did feel familiar though, like they’d done it before. Maybe that was a bad thing, maybe it wasn’t, who could tell at this point. “Shall we do the next question” he asked. 

“Yeah, sure, yeah” Taako said. Fumbling the pull the now wrinkled paper out. “I asked the first question so now it’s your turn he said, thrusting the packet towards Kravitz” 

Clearing his throat Kravitz read out “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” 

Taako snorted “my answers still the same, Yes. I’m going to be a famous chef someday” and there it was, the same confident tone he’d been missing all day. It felt reassuring to see that under this guilt and uncertainty he was still the same person. Maybe that shouldn’t have been reassuring considering the person he was had lied. 

“Mine too” Kravitz said. “No, I wouldn’t” he thought to himself that maybe these questions wouldn’t help as much as he though they would. Maybe instead of seeing all the lies he’d see all the truths. See that even after all the lies and illusions Taako really was the same person he’d pretended to be for the past two years. Pushing it down he raised his glass for a cheer. 

“To the truth” he said, and Taako raised his glass and echoed. 

“To the truth” 

There was no way of seeing where the evening would lead them. Maybe it would end in a fight, maybe they’d both find the closure they needed to move on, maybe they wouldn’t. It was too soon to tell, and too late to back down.


	2. Act 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’d like to hear the songs that sort of go with this chapter you can use this playlist https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtNwfoP2wEUEOw61pcXKUMg6J0OjOvrOg  
> This act has the songs from ‘we both’ through ‘reality’ 
> 
> I did tweak some things to fit the characters though so for ‘our word’ the base idea is the same but I didn’t end up keeping any of Judith’s past since it wasn’t really relavent, hope you enjoy this chapter!

“Ok so, question 3. Before making a phone call do you rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?” Taako asked. Their meal and wine had been finished and the two had moved up to Kravitz’s bedroom to continue the questions. It was more comfortable than the kitchen table Kravitz reasoned. And maybe it would make them both feel more at ease. Though right now he still felt awkward, some of the tension had faded over their quick meal but it was impossible for it to all melt away. After all they’d been through there was bound to be a little tension. 

“Yes” Kravitz answered. “Because I’m too nervous not to” 

“No, it’s a waste of time. What needs to be said will be said” Taako answered. It was the same answer he’d given last time. 

“Your answers haven’t changed” Kravitz noted. “All 3 have been the same as the first time.” 

“Well we’re, only 3 questions in” Taako said. “I didn’t lie about everything” when he got no answer he continued “can it be that maybe you’re frustrated that I didn’t lie to you more? Maybe you want so bad to be angry at me that finding out not everything you know about me is a lie is hard” he said it lightly, as a joke, though both knew he wasn’t kidding. 

“No...” Kravitz said “well, I guess so. It’s not that I wanted it to be a lie, It’s just...I don’t know how much of it was real, how much of you was real” he looked down, he wasn’t embarrassed. It was the truth, tough as it was to say. He just couldn’t face Taako right now, couldn’t see how he reacted. 

“When I was with you I was real” Taako said, flopping back on the bed. He bounced from the action, his hair splaying out beneath his head. “It wasn’t all lies, for the first time in so long I felt real.” He took a shallow breath before continuing “For the first time in awhile I felt like I could be myself, I didn’t feel lost or scared or anything. Even if I had to use a fake name and fake story for it I was real around you. More real then you think.” 

That opened up more questions, questions that Kravitz didn’t know how to ask without sounding like an asshole. Why had Taako not felt real before? What had happened to him to make him this way? How much of Justin was just him? He had to ask at least that much. 

“How much of it was you?” The question hung in the air. For a moment he wondered if Taako was even going to answer him. 

“We both love cooking, we both want to do it big time someday.” He started. “We both fell in love with you a little that first date. We both have shitty memories and forget the little things, we both are the opposite of straight. None of that has changed.” He looked over at Kravitz, his eyes clear and truthful. “I was real back then, just as real as I am now” 

“But you still lied” Kravitz said. To remind himself, to remind them both of what had happened. 

“And I still lied” Taako echoed. “Question 4, do you remember what I said about my perfect day?” He asked, steering the conversation back to the questions. Kravitz took the chance to stop wondering about Taako and his truths within the lies. It was a welcome escape from the thoughts that were whirling around his brain. 

“You said tomorrow could be the perfect day if we let it” Kravitz said. “I couldn’t forget that, just like I couldn’t forget the skirt you were wearing that day” oops, he hadn’t meant to say that last part out loud. He was betraying just how deeply he was still in love with Justin, or maybe Taako? The more he learned the more they seemed to be the same person instead of the two separate people he’d previously thought of them as. 

Taako only snorted at his mess up. “Yeah it was a damn good skirt” was all he said. “And that answer is still true” 

“Do you remember mine” Kravitz asked, trying to keep things going. 

“Eh, mostly. Something about spending the whole day with your moms. Something sweet and cute” He’d left out just about all detail, but the idea was still the same as it had been two years ago. 

“Yep, still true” he said. 

“And I still wish I could there with you” Taako said wistfully. Kravitz would choose to ignore that. He’d figured that Taako was still caught up on him as well. You don’t fall as deeply in love as they did and get over it in just a week. Their shared feelings didn’t mean they should get back together. They weren’t healthy for each other, their relationship had been built on lies. They had to let it go. 

There was the sound of crinkling pages as Taako moved on to the next question.

“Question 5, when was the last time you sang to yourself? To someone else?” Taako asked. 

“Last time I sang to someone else was you, last week.” He said, trying not to focus on the memory of holding Taako in his arms and singing into his hair. It was a sweet memory, unfitting of them now. 

“What about to yourself” Taako asked. 

“This morning, in the shower” another embarrassing truth. Whatever, Taako already knew about his habit of singing in the shower. 

“Of course” the other man laughed “you’re still the same Kravitz” he said that last part a little sadly. 

“What about you” Kravitz asked. 

“Oh, I sang in the car on the way here” he said, matter-of-factly. 

“Oh really, what did you sing” Kravitz teased. The banter was so familiar, they’d done this countless times and it would be so easy to get lost in the repetition of it. To tease the other man gently until they ended up curled in each other’s arms laughing. 

“Old Taylor swift” Taako said. “Gotta love her country stuff. Yeah he’s the reason for the tears drops on my guitar” he sang the last bit, in an off tune rendition of Taylor’s song. He was still the same tune deaf singer Kravitz’s had known. “And I think that counts as me singing to someone else” Taako said “your turn” 

Kravitz obliged, taking the paper and finding the sixth question “if you were able to live to 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30 year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you pick? If I remember correctly you said body” 

“And you said mind” Taako supplied “we’d still make a half sexy team if you think about it” 

“Of course” Kravitz said dryly, handing the papers over to Taako “question 7?” 

“Do you have a secret hunch about how you’re going to die?” He read “I remember you said you weren’t afraid of death, only dying with regrets” 

“Still true, you said you were pretty sure you were gonna be murdered” he replied. 

“And I still am, see not so much has changed after all” he joked. As Kravitz looked him over it was clear just how much that was true. Taako still had the same mannerisms and quirks, still had the same voice and same appearance. If he closed his eyes he’d be able to believe that it was Justin in front of him. The man he’d fallen in love with. The line separating the two was blurring, and he tried desperately to maintain it. 

“Question 8, name 3 things you and your partner appear to have in common” he read off.

“Easy, we both love a good card game. We both hate when we lose. We both love a late night walk, and we both like sleeping in on days off. That’s actually 4 things.” Taako said “your answer?” 

Kravitz thought, there was so much to choose from. He’d just have to wing it. “We both think you’re better at cooking, we both hate the carpet on stairs in our apartment, we’re both stubborn in a fight, and we both eventually give in. There 4 to match yours.” 

Taako thought to himself I the quiet moment that followed, he thought about all the truths he’d revealed. It wasn’t much compared to how much he’d still left unsaid, but it was more than Kravitz had known before. He hadn’t lied again, not about the answers that stayed the same. He hoped Kravitz didn’t suspect that he was, he wasn’t lying when he said that he and Justin were similar. It wasn’t a new person he created, not as much as he’d once thought. “Justin” was more like a mask of a better version of himself that he’d been wearing around. It was a mask of a him that didn’t carry all his flaws and burdens. For so long he’d felt fake, felt like he was floating unseen through life. He felt like that up until the moment he met Kravitz and gave him that fake name and it all spiraled from there. On one hand he finally felt like a person instead of a walking cloud of dust, on the other hand it wasn’t really him. It was a better him, a fake version he wanted so hard to make real. It was unfair of him, to push Kravitz through that. If only he’d been able to be the real him from the start, maybe Kravitz could have still fallen in love with him the same way as himself, not the idealized version he pretended to be. 

The storm raged on outside and with it the phone started to ring. A reminder that the outside world still went on outside this house. 

Kravitz groaned. It was his mom’s, no one else called. They’d always had a sense for when he was doing something self-destructive, and it seemed now was no different. He didn’t want to answer, he couldn’t face them right now, not while he was doing the exact thing he’d promised them he wouldn’t. Besides, it wasn’t like he was going to take Taako back. No matter how much he realized that the other man was alike to the person he’d fallen for. He’d made up his mind and he wouldn’t take him back. Taako could beg and plead on his knees for all he cared and he still wouldn’t take him back. 

“It’s my moms” he said as an answer to the unasked question that hung in the air. “I can’t face them right now, and they’ll just keep calling” It left them in a sticky situation. Staying here meant having to listen to the phone ring nonstop, no unbearable, but definitely annoying. But there was no other option...except. It was a stupid idea, but this whole night had been a stupid idea, it couldn’t get much worse. 

“How would you feel about going for a drive?” He asked. 

Taako looked at him incredulously, like he’d said something crazy. He guessed he had in a way. The storm was still going strong, with no signs of stopping any time soon. 

“Need I remind you of the whole reason weren’t in your house in the first place? It’s pouring outside homie” Taako exclaimed. “Driving in this seems dangerous as hell man” Kravitz noticed that he hadn’t outright said no. 

“It’s either that or listen to the phone ring every second for the rest of the night” with some grumbling Taako agreed and the two found themselves making a mad dash for the car. By the time they were in and buckled they were both soaked and cold and just a little miserable. It was a shitty idea, but the best one they had. 

The energy in the car was beyond awkward, worse than it had been in the house. Kravitz then realize he didn’t even know where to drive, it was all driveway and houses, not much to see really. 

With a little cough Taako said “not to smash on your idea but this feels werid as fuck right now” it was clearly an attempt to try and break the tension that oozed from the two, an unsuccessful attempt. 

“Well I’ll just Uh...drive I guess” Kravitz supplied “not really much to see, just driveway and trees, I didn’t really think this through much I guess” 

“Yeah I got that much” Taako said, voice dripping with sarcasm. He didn’t seem angry, and his hands had stopped their nervous twisting of his hair. He now just clutched the paper between his hands. It had been protected from the rain this time, tucked safely in his bag. “I’ll just Uh...do the questions I guess? You can’t really read them since you’re driving and neither of us want to die so... yeah question 9, for what in your life do you feel most grateful” his voice wavered with anxiety, and Kravitz was quick to respond. 

“Being adopted by my moms so young. They love me very much and for that I’m thankful” Taako smiled, though Kravitz couldn’t see it. 

“You said the same thing last time, it’s sweet. I guess I should go huh” he said, with a nervous laugh “this ones different than last time so listen up” that peaked Kravitz’s attention, the first real truth revealed. 

“Go on” he said to Taako’s hesitation. 

“I’m grateful that my sister isn’t dead” he said. That was...definitely not something Kravitz knew. As far as he knew Taako had been an only child. The story he knew was that Taako’s parents had died in a car wreck when he was 12, leaving him to live with his aunt until she too died. A sister was...new. Why he’d lied about not having one was still a question that needed answering, so was why it was such a big deal that she hadn’t died. 

“That’s, something new” was all he said. He kept his eyes focused on the road ahead, no matter how much he wanted to look at Taako and see how he felt. 

“It’s a really long story, I’ll tell you it’s just...hard. We’ll do the 36 questions and then if you have more you can ask then ok?” He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. 

“Ok” Kravitz said. As much as he wanted the story now, it was clearly something Taako would have trouble talking about. He’d just have to hope that Taako kept his promise to tell him the whole truth. “What’s the next question” 

“Ok, yeah” and the sound of rustling papers “question 10, If you could change one thing about the way you were raised, what would it be” he read off. 

“I remember you said you’d change the fact that your parents died” Kravitz recalled “was that also a lie?” He tried not to sound angry. He wasn’t, not really, it was just that lying about his parents death would be a really big thing to keep a secret. Maybe he was just upset that he’d been reminded of Taako’s lie. 

“Yeah” Taako said “not the them being dead part, that’s true. But that’s not what I’d change.” He took in a deep breath. “It’s hard to explain, I think I need to start at the beginning” 

“Then do” Kravitz said, he wasn’t angry, not really. It was just that he’d finally gotten to what seemed to be the root of the lies and he wanted to know the truth. “Start at the real beginning and make me understand” 

“Well I’ll start with the parents they did die, just not when I was 12, more like when I was 2. They left behind me and Lup, my sister. Not many people wanted to take in a set of orphaned twins so we were bounced around a lot until we got to live with that aunt I told you about.” He stoped and grabbed at his hair, once more twisting it nervously. “She and I had a rough time. We were rambunctious little tots and people would give us up when they couldn’t handle us, so we made ourselves easier to handle I guess. The first time I can think of is when I was little, like 6 years old, running around and playing until I crashed into a vase and broke it.” His eyes were glazed, clearly caught up in the memory “I told Lup right away, and we came up with a plan. We went out to play and when we came back we pretended we had been all day, we lied and said we hadn’t broke it, that we’d been gone all day so it couldn’t have been us. It got some other kid saddled with the blame but it was our word against his, and we had backup for our alibi” he let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “We kept on like that, lying when It helped us. You know, we skipped a class and then we just said ‘Lup was sick and I was comforting her’ and that kid of thing. Whatever it took to keep us in a home. We kept going until we got to living with that aunt I told you about, she wouldn’t let us get away with it. She somehow knew when we were pulling her leg and we just stopped, she made it clear she wasn’t gonna send us out just for being kids so we felt safe.” He stopped, going silent. 

“And then?” Kravitz asked. He didn’t mean to pry but for all the questions that had been answered he’d also unlocked more. 

“And then she died. And Lup grew out of the lies and I didn’t” he said. “That’s the cliff notes of it I guess, and the truth” 

“Well, for what it’s worth I’m sorry your childhood was shit” Kravitz said “I’m sorry you felt the need to lie like that so people would keep you around, and I’m sorry about your auntie” it was the truth. The explanation for Taako’s actions didn’t excuse them, or make them hurt any less but it was a start. A truth, finally revealed. 

“Yeah well, it’s just a thing that happened. And I had Lup the whole time so it wasn’t that bad” his voice was still tight “and I know, that doesn’t make anything I did right. That’s not why I told you, I just...want you to know why I guess? And maybe that won’t change anything but you deserve the truth” 

“Thank you for telling me Taako, I know that must have been hard for you” Kravitz said. 

The silence grew, and with the rain did. It was getting unbearable, Kravitz could hardly see anything at this point, it would be incredibly dangerous to keep going. And yet he didn’t want to stop, he’d just started learning more about the real Taako and he didn’t want to have that stop. They were getting close, he knew the beginning of the truth now, how Taako had came to be the way he was. But there was still so many things unknown. He seemed to love his sister, so why had he never mentioned her? And why was he so glad she wasn’t dead? Aside from the obvious fact that no one wants someone they love dead. There seemed to be more beneath it, more that Kravitz felt like he had to know. He was fixated on this truth that was slowly being uncovered. But they couldn’t uncover the truth if they were dead, and it wasn’t safe to keep driving. Without even noticing it he’d driven them close to the secluded beach that lay at the bottom of the hill the house was built on. He’d always loved this place as a kid, he had so many fond memories of days spent alone there. There’d been a time where he dreamt of bringing his love out here and sharing the beach with him, a gift in a way. This certainly wasn’t how he thought it would go but it was something. Even if they just parked there until the storm let up enough to drive again. 

“You didn’t answer” Taako said, snapping him out of the trance he hadn’t even noticed he was in. 

“Oh, well, I guess I wish I was less withdrawn” he said. It paled in comparison to what Taako had just told him, but it too was the truth. 

“We can’t keep driving, I’m gonna take us down to a spot I know. We can wait there until the rain lets up” Taako made a noise of agreement and Kravitz maneuvered the car down the drive to the beach. His tired groaned and crunched against the wet gravel and it was a miracle they’d made it this far without accident. 

By the time he was parked and the car stopped the silence had grown deafening.

“Can I” Kravitz asked, breaking the silence. Looking over Taako could see that he was motioning for the paper, and he was quick to hand it over. 

Taako wasn’t sure how he felt right now, he’d just been incredibly open and vulnerable. Telling the truth the way it was, not trying to hide it at all. It seemed that Kravitz had accepted it, thankfully. But still he felt like he’d been cut open. He rarely ever talked about his childhood, not even with Lup. It was just a thing that had happened, a thing that was over that he’d never have to think about again. He wondered if that’s what his relationship with Kravitz would become, just a thing that had happened. Maybe that would be the best answer, maybe he’d finally be able to move on then. 

“Ok question 11, take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible” this was going to be hard. If just telling the beginning was bad then telling him the whole thing was going to be like being murdered. “I can go first” Kravitz said, ever the gentleman “if that’ll make it easier” 

“I already know your story” Taako said “and you deserve to know mine. You already know the beginning I guess, orphaned child with a rough life and all that jazz. So I’ll skip that over. I’ll start with Lup, she’s my twin, but she’s more than that, she’s like a part of me. My second half as some would say. Well after our auntie died we were old enough to be on our own so we just left. Lup wanted to go to the IPRE so I followed her and things went on from there. We made new friends, she fell in love and all was great and happy you know” he paused then, wiping his eyes “and then she disappeared. We didn’t know where she went, she went off to do some research and just never came back. Barry and I, that’s her boyfriend, we looked everywhere. But we couldn’t find any trace of her and eventually she was presumed dead. She isn’t, that’s what the whole ‘I’m grateful she’s not dead’ thing was about but the point is for a long time I thought she was dead. And then I felt like dust, like I wasn’t even a real person. I fell out of touch with just about everything, hardly talking to anyone. I missed her so bad, it felt like my heart had been ripped out and I was just a pile of walking talking dust. And then I met you” he looked over at Kravitz and his heart strained against his chest. Taako’s expression was so raw, so real. And he just wanted to lean over and kiss him and tell him he understood and forgave him. That he was sorry they’d fought but now it was over. But he didn’t, he kept up his resolve and let Taako continue. 

“I was in neverwinter and I went out for a walk and saw you in the park with a dog, and I asked you “can I pet your dog” and of course you said yes, and we chatted and you suddenly burst out with “she’s not my dog, she’s my moms I’m watching her. “ and we laughed and you said you didn’t want to be found out if we went to coffee and there was no dog. And then you said “my names Kravitz what about you” and I was ashamed to be Taako, twinless and made of dust so I lied and said “Justin Kessler” it was a spur of the moment thing, Justin never really fit me” he stopped and he laughed and Kravitz found himself laughing too. 

“You’re right, you never really seemed like a Justin. Taako suits you much better” 

“It should considering I picked it out myself” Taako laughed out “anyway it’s my turn to talk, let me finish my story” and he was off again “the person I was saw an opportunity, to be someone better for just one date. To pretend that he felt real for just one cup of coffee before he went back to being dust again” once more he coughed out a laugh “obviously that didn’t work since that one cup of coffee turned into watching movies and just talking in your living room all night. And then I was stuck. It was too late to admit the lie, and I was in too deep to let it up.” He sniffles a little, his composure nearly breaking. “It wasn’t all a lie, I promise you that. It still felt like me, like my life just...better I guess. Like for you I was a better person. I was in love with you, and I loved the person I could be with you. And I never wanted that to end. So I never came clean, never told you. And then after two years of not talking to them, those friends I mentioned earlier found me. They came to you while I wasn’t home, asked about a friend named Taako. And then you asked me at dinner that and I was so scared, I tried to cling to the life we’d built. I was scared to go back to the person I’d been, I wanted so badly for things with us to be real and I lied and you left. You left and you never said goodbye, you and Lup both never said goodbye” 

Tears wavered in his eyes. He felt empty now that the whole story was out there. He blinked back the tears, he wouldn’t cry, not here. He had to keep it together. But with the truth told he didn’t have anything to focus on, he’d been holding onto the idea of telling the whole truth for so long that with it gone he didn’t know what to do. He looked over, trying to gauge Kravitz’s reaction. The other man looked shocked, understandably, Taako had just dumped a hot plate of truth right into his lap. Eventually he managed out. 

“That’s a lot” and the silence grew again. “What about your sister? Is she ok” grateful for the push Taako jumped to explain. 

“Yeah she’s back, it’s a big long story that she hasn’t even told me all of yet. And it’s her business so I don’t really wanna share it but yeah, she’s good. She’s actually the reason everyone came to find me, she came back like 3ish months before and she was pissed that no one knew where her brother was so everyone pulled together and searched and then found me. I’m really sorry about what I did, I should’ve come clean way soon, I shouldn’t have even lied in the first place. I hurt you though and for that I’m really sorry. I care about you a lot, and I never meant for you to get this wrapped up in everything. I’m so sorry Krav” 

Taako looked so ernest and sweet and scared that Kravitz was moving on autopilot before he’d even fully realized. And then they were kissing. It was short and sweet and everything he’d been missing since the moment he left Taako and his old life behind. It was a mistake. 

His thoughts cause up with him almost instantly and he was flooded with guilt and regret. Taako’s face was a mask of shock. He’d been too surprised to kiss back, only sitting there as Kravitz pressed their lips together. The panic built in his chest, he’d promised himself and his moms that no matter what he wouldn’t let Taako back into his life. He’d been determined to keep up that promise and here he was, kissing the other man in his car in the pouring rain. It was unfair of him, they both still held feeling for the other, that much was clear, but he’d just sent the wrong image. It didn’t matter how much Taako had hurt him, leading him on and breaking his heart would be cruel and wrong. And kissing him while he was emotionally vulnerable after telling Kravitz his whole life story was a really, really shitty thing to do. He’d fucked up. 

“I’m so sorry” he blurted out. “I don’t know what came over me, I didn’t mean to do that. Oh gods Taako, I’m sorry. Please can we just forget that even happened” the other man was silent again. He looked down, focusing on anything but Kravitz’s face. 

“Yeah, sure, let’s forget it” he said quietly. 

“We should head back” Kravitz supplied “it’s getting late, we should get some rest.” 

“Yeah” Taako said and the silence bloomed, sickeningly swirling around them in the cramped car. Making both men feel trapped and uncomfortably aware of how close they were to each other. 

They didn’t end up making it back to the house. The rain was too strong and they were only able to make it to a small inn. But it was something other than the car, and it looked like they’d have to be staying there. Kravitz rented them out a room with two beds, they weren’t together he reminded himself. And that’s where they were no. Both settled across from each other on top of the plush quilts that made up the bedding. 

The energy was tense, as it would be after the kiss. Kravitz was worried, they’d been going so good and now he was the one to mess things up. He’d made Taako uncomfortable and played with his feelings and honestly he was feeling like a huge piece of shit right now. 

Taako wasn’t sure how to feel. He knew that Kravitz still had some feelings for him, why else would he let him into his house? He agreed to the questions, and just put up with all of this in general. If Kravitz hadn’t cared for him anymore he’d have just never answered the door, or he’d have turned Taako away. The point was he knew, but he wasn’t sure what the kiss meant. Maybe it had just been a slip up, maybe that was all it was. But maybe it hadn’t been? Maybe Kravitz wanted him back? A hopeful part of him wanted that to be what it was, wanted to run back to Kravitz and pretend the last week hadn’t happened. He wanted to ask what they were to each other but something within him held him back. He was scared of what the answer would be, scared that he wouldn’t like it and that it would hurt. So he didn’t ask. He just sat there, waiting for Kravitz to make the first move. 

“So, more questions?” Kravitz asked. It was a lazy attempt at conversation but at this point Taako was willing to do anything that wasn’t just sitting in the deafening silence they had been since the kiss. 

“Yeah, sure” he said, pulling out the now nearly ruined printout of the questions. “Question 12, If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be” 

“I’d like to be able to turn into a bird” Kravitz said. “That would be pretty cool” he couldn’t remember what he’d said the first time round the questions. He didn’t think he’d said being able to turn into a bird, that would be a pretty lame thing to admit on a first date. And regardless his answer could change with time, he’d changed since then so it made sense that his answers would. It made sense that his truth would change, given time. 

Taako hummed in approval at that, and suddenly it was like nothing had happened in the car, like reality had changed to a better version where Kravitz hadn’t messed things up by kissing his ex-fiancé “a bird is pretty neat. Personally though I think I’d like the ability to feel no fear” Taako said. 

“Ok, Question 13” Kravitz said “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious I’d want to know the truth about myself” Taako drawled “and I think you’d also like to know the truth about me” When Kravitz nodded in answer he moved on to the next question “14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?” 

“I’ve always dreamed of conducting an orchestra” Kravitz said “I guess I just never got around to trying it”

“And I’ve always wanted to start my own cooking YouTube channel” Taako said “also never got around to doing it” 

“Ok, question 15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?” Kravitz asked. The rapid speed they were asking the questions left him little room to think about all the bad decisions he was making right now. It was all he could do to keep from panicking. 

“Getting into the IPRE with my sister” Taako said. And there was another thing about him that Kravitz had never known. It seemed like for every step he took forward, another lie would be revealed and he’d find himself back at the start. It seemed like no matter what he did or asked, there’d always be more that Taako was keeping hidden from him. 

“Making my mothers proud” he said, answering the question. He’d heard enough though, he thought. He knew why Taako had done what he’d done. He had a reason and now he could let him go. They could both move on now and make new lives for themselves. They’d finish these questions and be done with it all. “16. What do you value most in a friendship?” He asked. 

“Dependability” 

“Trust” 

“Ok, 17. What is your most treasured memory?” 

“College graduation” 

“Getting Lup back, 18. What is your most terrible memory?” 

“Finding out you lied” Kravitz felt like an asshole for saying it, but it was the truth, and hadn’t he promised to tell the truth? Taako winced and he didn’t miss the look of hurt on his face. 

“I have two I guess” the other man said “the first is when I though Lup was dead, the second is when you walked out” the air grew thick around them, the world narrowing until it was just the two of them. “Why are we even doing this” Taako asked finally. “Why are we doing this instead of talking about what we clearly need to talk about?” He sounded angry and hurt. Maybe Kravitz shouldn’t have been so straightforward with his answer. 

“If I remember correctly the questions were your idea” he spit out. 

“And that kiss was yours” Taako bit back. 

“I told you it was an accident” his voice was raising, he wasn’t meaning for it to but it still did. “Can’t we just let it go” he was being an ass, he knew he was and yet he couldn’t stop. 

“Well I’m confused Krav, what are we to each other? You tell me we’re done and then you drag me around in your car and you kiss me? Am I back in the picture or what?” Taako sounded frantic, and he looked it too. His face was scrunched up the way it did before he cried and he looked angrier than Kravitz had ever seen him before. 

“No” was all Kravitz said “we are done. Look I’m sorry for all of this, that’s on me. I shouldn’t have let this go on, and I shouldn’t have kissed you. I messed up and I take full responsibility for it. But we’re done.” It hurt, being this cold but it had to be done, he had to be clear that their old life was gone “face reality Taako, you messed up, I did too. I wish things had worked out between us but they didn’t, and that’s just how it is. I should’ve told you no when you showed up at my door, that would have made it easier for us.” Taako looked so hurt and the part of him that was still in love wanted to stop and let it go, but he couldn’t, this would be his last chance to say what was on his mind. “I promised my moms that I wouldn’t take you back, no matter what, unlike you I keep my promises” he was being cruel, he knew he was, he didn’t want to be. Maybe this would make it easier for both of them to let go. If he accepted the guilt of being mean maybe he could finally accept that they were never meant to be. “I still love you Taako, and I wish we could get back our old life, but that’s not possible. And what we have going on right now, isn’t healthy at all. I can’t do this to myself, and I can’t do this to you. I have to let you go” 

And Taako looked angry and heart broken at that. Kravitz watched as he unlatched the chain from around his neck, watched as he held it out towards him. 

“You should take this back then” he said, hand still outstretched with the necklace and ring “it was never meant for me in the first place” 

“You can keep it” Kravitz answered “I don’t care if you hold onto it, I just don’t think I can handle taking it back at this point” Taako’s hand dropped but he didn’t respond. “I’m sorry Taako, I really am” he said. 

It would be better if he just left. Screw the questions, screw all of this. He knew the truth and he’d made his place clear to taako, what was the use in hanging around. 

“I’ll just go, rent another room. I’ll drive you back to your car tomorrow and we’ll be done with this” he said. 

“Just go” Taako said. “Drive back, I’ll find my own way. Even if I have to walk” he flopped back on the bed, not meeting Kravitz’s eye. “It’s better if we just don’t see each other again, you’ve made your peace, now just go” 

Kravitz wished he could say he hadn’t just left Taako all alone again. He wished he could say he rented out another room like he’d suggested, that he’d driven Taako back to the house and then sent him on his way. But he didn’t, he did as Taako suggested and got in his car and drove home. And if he shed a few tears along the way it was between him and the storm. 

After Kravitz left, Taako finally let himself cry. He let out all the frustration and pain he’d been feeling, his chest heaving with the weight of his sobs. It was done. It was finally over. It should have made him feel lighter, but all he felt was a weight in his chest and the feeling that everything was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up making myself pretty sad writing this chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conclusion Time, if you wanna listen to the songs for this chapter it goes from Answer 36-the Truth on this playlist https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtNwfoP2wEUEOw61pcXKUMg6J0OjOvrOg

The next morning brought an end to the storm and a long wet walk for Taako. Kravitz had probably been planning to try and give him a ride back, he was always kind like that and even after last night he probably wouldn’t be able to stomach the thought of Taako walking the whole thing. So Taako started early, before when he knew Kravitz usually got up. He didn’t want to see the other man again. Last night had been hard, and as much as he wanted to project all his anger at Kravitz he knew he had to hold himself accountable as well. They were both in the wrong, they’d both lashed out last night, they’d both messed up. Don’t get him wrong, he was still mad at Kravitz. Though the kiss might have been a mistake his feeling were still played with and he’d let himself hope. It was foolish and stupid of him to hope, it had only made the inevitable hurt more. And so he walked, the roads were wet, slippery and muddy in some places, and he fell more than a few times. 

There was mud streaking his legs and and staining some parts of the shirt, he couldn’t bring himself to care though. He must have looked a mess, his hair a nest of tangles, his eyes and face red from crying, wearing a pair of thin black shorts and a much too large shirt. The early morning air was chilly and it didn’t take long before he was shivering and cold. Maybe he should have waited to see if Kravitz would have come for him. But maybe that would have just hurt him more, needing help from the person who’d just shattered his heart the night before. 

The walk felt like it took an eternity, his legs were sore and his knees scrapped and bruised by the time he finally made his was to the house for a second time in two days. He was surprised to see Kravitz there too, drinking a cup of coffee on the porch. Of course he was there, it was his house after all. Kravitz was shocked, looking at him in silence for a moment before racing over towards him. He stopped a few yards away, unsure whether or not he should approach further. 

“Did you walk all the way here, Taako that’s nearly 5 miles” he exclaimed “I would have come get you, you should have called or something.” 

“I don’t want your your help” Taako bit out. “I’m fine, just leave me alone. I’ll go as soon as I catch my breath” he said as he turned and walked the rest of the way towards his car, sitting down to lean against the wheel. Kravitz didn’t follow. He stared at Taako, unsure of what the right move was. 

“My moms flew in” he said “they got worried after I didn’t answer last night. I’m going to pick them up soon” 

“I’ll be sure to be gone” Taako said “so just go and stop worrying about me. It’s like you said. We’re done.” He was being cold, it was probably unfair of him but what was the point of pretending anymore. 

A part of Taako wanted to be nicer, to try and fix things again. But he saw how that worked out last time he tried. He’d only managed to make things worse somehow. Or maybe they weren’t worse, just equally as bad and he’d just been forced to face it. On one hand he’d told the truth he’d been withholding and gotten that off his chest, on the other Kravitz had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Taako anymore. He’d planned for this outcome, been expecting it even, it shouldn’t come as a shock. But it still made him ache with hurt. He watched from his seat by the car as Kravitz got in his car and drove down to get his moms. Watched as he saw what would probably be the last glimpse of the other man as he was for the third time, left behind. He should leave, he didn’t want to be here when Kravitz came back. Facing his ex was bad enough, he couldn’t imagine how hard facing his moms would be. He reached in his bag for his keys, pushing aside the paper with the 36 questions. 

They’d never gotten around to finishing them, they’d fought and Kravitz had left and they’d just been forgotten. He’d promised to answer them all, it looked like he’d have to break that promise. Digging around he found something that gave him an idea. A small video camera, left over from a past trip he’d taken the bag on. It was a bad idea, but the more he thought about it the more he thought he should do it. The camera was filled with videos of the two of them and truthfully he didn’t really want it anymore. It held too many good memories he didn’t want to remember. This would be a way to leave those behind and not have to break that promise that he’d made. 

He set it up, wedged it on the handle of the car door. The angle was bad, but it was as good as he could do it. He had time before Kravitz returned with his moms, but he wanted to be long gone when they returned. Without giving himself the time to think he hit the record button. 

“Hey” he said lamely “it’s Taako, I’m recording this because I made a promise to answer all of the 36 questions truthfully, and I didn’t get a chance to. I know I’ve lied and broken promises in the past but I want to be a better person from now on, and that starts with keeping my word.” He sucked in a breath before pulling out the crinkled and creased papers. This was crazy, and yet he was doing it “question 19, If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? Well I think I’d stop caring so much about what others thinks and just do whatever I wanted for that year. Yeah that would be nice. Um, next question 20, What does friendship mean to you? Mutual trust and respect. Question 21, What roles do love and affection play in your life? Heh, the people I love are the ones I hurt the most I guess. Question 22, Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.” This one was gonna be hard. He hesitated for a second. He didn’t want to think if all the good things about Kravitz, he wanted to just focus on the bad of their relationship, that would make it easier to let go of. And yet hadn’t he promised to answer all these questions? Curse him for wanting to be truthful. 

After a pause he continued “you’re kind, you still offer to give me a ride even when you’re angry, you take responsibility for your actions even you mess up, you let your ex-fiancé back into your life even when he fucks up big time, you’re somehow still a gentleman about sending him back out of your life again. And you’re a good person in general. There that’s five” a deep breath and swipe at his now teary eyes and he continued “Questions 23, How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? Uh, well you already know about the whole childhood thing and I’m pretty sure I’ll cry if I say it again. So no, my childhood wasn’t very happy. But I am close with my sister. Question 24, How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? I never really knew her. 25, Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ...” ok, we’re both angry with one another, we’re both angry at ourselves. We’re both regretting this whole thing. 26, Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...” I don’t know... a house I guess? Probably gonna get that when I move back in with Lup. 27, If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. I’m a chronic liar and I fuck shit up for everyone.” 

He didn’t remember the questions being this hard the first time round. Maybe they hadn’t been. He’d lied for all the ones he’d have to be open and vulnerable about but even now after he’d been open with Kravitz they were hard. He stared at the video camera once more wondering what the hell he was doing. He should have just left, finishing the questions wouldn’t fix anything. But he’d already started, he had less than 10 left, he might as well finish them all. 

“28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.” All these questions lead him back to Kravitz, the very man he wanted to forget. “I like that you’re nice to me even when I’m an asshole.” He said “question 29, Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. One time I was groped by my sister’s boyfriend cuz he thought I was her. 30, When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I cried in front of you last week when you left, and I cried to myself last night. 31, Tell your partner something that you like about them already. I like just about everything about you.” It was truthful and it hurt him so bad. “32, What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Nothing, everything in life’s a fucking joke” he spit out. He should stop he was getting emotional, he’d felt like he was on the verge of tears all day and the feeling kept building. But yet he went on “33, If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? I regret not talking to my sister about us yet. I haven’t told her since I didn’t know where our relationship stood. I still don’t think I’ll tell her though. I don’t think I’ll tell anyone. 34, Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? The picture of Lup I have from the day we got accepted into the IPRE, things had been so bad for so long and it was the first good thing we’d had in a while and she looks so happy. 35, Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? Also Lup, we already talked about the whole thinking she was dead phase. Enough said, 36, Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.” 

This was the last one. He was almost done. And yet this one seemed like it would be the hardest one to do. The tears that had been wavering in his eyes finally fell, and he let them. Didn’t try to hide his pain, it was part of the truth, he supposed, and he’d promised to share the whole truth. 

“My problem is that I don’t know how to move on and let go of the man I fell in love with. I know it’s for the best but I still can’t imagine a life without him. I know it’s one of those instinct things, no one ever wants to quit or let things go, it feels like a failure. And it’s going to hurt so much but I know it’s what I have to do. I have to leave and just accept that this is my reality. You deserve to move on a find someone real to be with, and I deserve to let you go and build a better me on my own. But it’s so scary to imagine my life without you in it. I feel lighter now that telling you everything isn’t the only thing on my mind, or maybe I feel emptier, I can’t tell. Whatever, I’m leaving now, I’m moving on. I’ll build a new life, you will too, and we’ll be done. For good. It’s just, I love you Krav, and I think I always will” with that parting message he stopped the recording. He’d been nearly sobbing through the whole thing and he finally let himself cry again. He didn’t want to stay there any longer than he had to, so after a few minutes of letting himself feel sorry he finally got to his feet. 

He grabbed a shirt out of the car and pulled off the borrowed one. He didn’t want to be in anything that could remind him of Kravitz, the ring was still shoved in the bottom of his bag, out of sight. Once his shirt was changed he balled the old one around the camera and shoved it into the mailbox. He could only hope Kravitz was the one to find it instead of his moms. He’d left the shirt and hoodie he’d came in inside Krav’s house. He didn’t care, he didn’t want to go back in there, Kravitz could keep them for all he cared. He could burn them or throw them out if he wanted. Taako was done with it all. With one last sad look at the house he started the car and drove off. It was over. 

Later on when Kravitz returned with his moms he was relieved to find that Taako was gone. His moms were amused at all the work he’d tried to do and promised to help him out as best they could. And he laughed and they laughed and it felt so familiar, like nothing had changed and his life hadn’t fallen apart. They didn’t ask him about Taako and he didn’t talk about it. They spent the day together as if nothing had happened and all was fine. 

He was able to push thoughts of Taako out of his mind until he returned to his room that night. He’d been dreading it, he’d slept on the couch after coming back the night before so the last time he’d been in his room was with Taako, answering those questions. He didn’t want to remember any of the last day. Not the hurt he’d felt at Taako coming back, or the anger and guilt of leaving him behind again. He didn’t want to remember just how similar Taako was to the persona he’d fallen for, didn’t want to remember just how in love he still was. 

But entering that room he was hit was a wave of bittersweet memories from the night before. He wanted to break down and cry, he had last night, he couldn’t hold himself back then. But he could now, now wasn’t the time to pity himself. He’d made up his mind to move on and he wouldn’t be able to do that if he let himself dwell on the past. Taako’s hoodie and shirt were still draped over his chair. He didn’t want to look at the proof that the other man had been here. In a fit of movement he shoved them and the box with the ring he used to love deep into the back of the closet. Taako hadn’t asked for his things back that morning, he figured he didn’t care that he’d left them behind. If he wanted them back Kravitz would mail them to him or something, but he wouldn’t be the first to initiate contact. He was done, he was moving on. 

The next morning checking the mail he found the wadded up shirt. He didn’t want it back, nor did he want the video camera that was wrapped up in it. He didn’t want to think about how Taako had left the camera behind intentionally. He wondered if it was a last attack, all the happy and sweet memories that were recorded. He wondered if Taako had left it with the intent to hurt him with the memories. Or perhaps he left it as a way to move on, Kravitz didn’t want to remember the memories anymore and he figured Taako wouldn’t want to either. He should have thrown it away, the shirt Taako had borrowed and the clothes he left behind as well, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to. He kept them tucked in the back of his closet. He couldn’t let go of the feelings he was wrapped up in, not yet. 

A month later his moms drove back to his apartment to pack up his things and fully move him out. He felt pathetic about not being able to do it himself. He was a grown man making his mother’s do the work he was too scared to. He was scared Taako would still be there, and that the memories of the life they once happily shared would be suspended in time in a way he couldn’t handle. He was surprised to hear from his moms that the house was fully packed up when they got there. Taako had seemingly moved himself out and packed up all of Kravitz’s thing as well. It made him feel immature, sure Taako was a big reason why their relationship had fallen apart but he’d taken full accountability and was now handling it like an adult while Kravitz stayed living with his moms, afraid to move on. 

Or that’s what Kravitz thought. Taako wasn’t handling things nearly as well as the other man was thinking. Moving out had been hard. He’d cried while taking apart the life they’d so meticulously built together. And cried more as he packed up all Kravitz‘a things and let them in a pile in the living room. The childish part of  
Him wanted to leave the place a mess, so that Kravitz would have to struggle to pick up all the pieces like Taako was right now. But they were adults, he’d be civil, no matter how hurt he felt. No use making things worse. 

He moved back in with Lup, like he’d said he would in the recording he made. He tried not to think about it. He tried to think about whether Kravitz had watched it yet, he tried not to think about what the other man would think of it. He tried to focus on his new life with Lup, but it was hard. They’d both changed in their time apart and they didn’t fit together the way they used to. She had things she couldn’t talk about yet, and so did he. He didn’t talk about his time with Kravitz. He didn’t think he could handle her judgement, he’d fucked up he knew. Maybe he should help him move on, but right now he didn’t want help, he just wanted a distraction. And so they tried, they worked things out, they fell back in sync as best they could and he could almost forget that nothing had happened between them. Could almost pretend she’d never left and that everything was fine. 

He wasn’t fine. But he was managing, and that would have to be enough. 

Time was supposed to heal your wounds, and In some ways it did, Kravitz thought to himself almost 6 months later. His past was no longer the only thing on his mind, he’d taken up a new job working for his mother and dived his way in headfirst. He enjoyed it, enjoyed the closeness it gave him to her, enjoyed the way it overtook his mind and let him forget about Taako, even it was only temporary. He was healing, he was moving forward, he was doing fine...for the most part. 

He didn’t expect to get over things right away. The breakup was hard, his feelings still complicated. There were times when he was sure he’d made a mistake, there were times he was sure he’d made the right choice, there were times he wasn’t sure of anything at all. And sometimes, like now, he’d wake up in the night, wanting desperately for answers that wouldn’t be given. He couldn’t sleep, and he didn’t want to work, so it gave him time to think. And thinking always lead back to the box in his closet. He really ought to get rid of the box. The clothes Taako had left behind, the shirt he’d borrowed that day, the ring, the camera, they held nothing but bad memories he tried to tell himself. He tried to forget how that hoodie had complimented Taako’s completion perfectly, tried to forget just how much he’d loved wearing that ring, knowing Taako had a matching one. Even if it hadn’t been Taako he’d proposed to. 

He was still angry and hurt by the lies, it was hard not to be. But the more time he’d had to think the more he realized that Taako and Justin were practically the same person by different names. Maybe Taako didn’t think that, at the time he hadn’t either, to caught up in anger and hurt to accept it. And maybe some of it had been pretend, but didn’t that just mean some of it was real? It wasn’t the fake name, or fake backstory that hurt him. He wouldn’t have cared what Taako chose to go by, what he chose not to share, that wasn’t the problem. It was the lack of trust, the way he’d lied to his face instead of explaining that his past was too hard to talk about. It was the way that when confronted about it he’d lied again to Kravitz‘a face. He still held the same sentiment he did back then, a good relationship could not be built on lies. He’d made the best choice he could at the time, he hadn’t broken the promise he made with his moms. And he knew logically it was the right thing to do, but he still missed Taako. He missed his laugh, his smile, his cooking, he missed waking up next to him. He missed him so much. He wished their last interaction hadn’t been him driving away and leaving Taako again. He felt guilty for that, he knew it had hurt the other man, even if he hadn’t been told. Taako had hurt him, and he’d hurt Taako, it was one more reason they couldn’t be together. And yet he reminisced about all the good times they had. 

That reminiscing lead him to the closet, to the box he kept hidden from view. It lead him past the hoodie and the box with the ring to the video camera seated at the bottom. Watching the memories it contained was surely self-destructive. He’d be undoing all the work he’d done to forget in such a simple action. And yet he couldn’t stop himself, he turned it on, flicking through the videos. 

They were familiar, each a snapshot of a better time. The thumbnails reminded him of the memories contained. Maybe this was as far as he would go, just seeing they existed as proof he’d been there, proof they’d been happy once. Flicking through them to the most recent he was met with a video he didn’t remember. It was undoubtedly from that day, the one he wanted to badly to forget. He saw Taako, his hair tangled and his face red, wearing the shirt he’d borrowed. He wondered what it was in the video, clearly it had been important enough that Taako had recorded it and intentionally left the recording behind for him to find. That was the whole purpose of leaving the camera he realized, Taako had meant for him to watch this. 

It was a bad idea, there was no doubt about that. But he had to see what it was Taako needed to say, what was so important that he’d recorded it and left it for him to find. And so against all better judgement he watched it. He watched as Taako kept up his promises and answered the rest of the questions. He watched as Taako broke down and cried and admitted to still loving him and realized that, he did too. Despite all his efforts to get over Taako he still loved him, it was a weight that sat heavy in his chest. It had since the moment he left, he’d just been ignoring it since then. 

He surprisingly felt better after watching the recording. In a some weird way it was a bit of closure, proof that not all promises were broken after all. He tucked the camera back away and promised himself he wouldn’t touch it again. 

A year after they’d left each other, he once more woke up in the middle of the night, plagued by the guilt of the way he’d left Taako behind those 3 times. Plagued by the guilt of kissing him in the rain on that car ride then leaving him alone at the inn. He needed proof that he wasn’t as terrible a person as he thought, or maybe he was looking for proof that he was. Whatever he was looking for it would be in the recording. So again he watched, saw the unfiltered honesty and the way it made Taako cry. Felt the weight in his chest grow once more then shut it all away again out of mind. He assured himself that this would be the last time he watched the video, and even in his own mind it felt like a lie. 

A year later and Taako’s life felt like it finally had meaning again. He and a job now, working with some friends he’d made at the IPRE. He and Lup were doing fine, they still lived together, and Barry had moved in with them as well. He still felt like dust sometimes but the friends he’d surrounded himself with made him feel real most of the times. He still had his bad days, where he’d lock himself in his room, and pull out the ring he kept tucked away. He’d let himself cry then, and think about all the ways his past relationship had gone bad, think about all the ways he still hadn’t moved on. He didn’t date anymore, he didn’t have the room in his heart for it. Though he was loathe to admit it, he still had feelings for Kravitz. It wouldn’t be fair to get with someone else while he was still hung up on the other man. 

He didn’t think he had the room in his heart for a child either yet somehow Angus had wormed his way in anyway. Taako loved him, though he hated to admit it. Angus was smart, good at finding things out. Taako was scared he’d find out about Taako’s failed engagement. He still hadn’t told anyone about Kravitz, he brushed them off when they asked what he’d been doing in those two years without contact. It was better this way, even if he couldn’t get himself to move on from it. 

2 years after the whole thing Kravitz thought he’d moved on sufficiently, that is until he saw a trending YouTube channel with a familiar face. A part of him felt glad that Taako and finally started up that channel he’d been wanting for so long. Another part of him was angry that the universe had decided to shove it in his face. For a third time he found himself with the camera in his hands, pressing play on the video. It only solidified certain notions he’d been feeling for a while. He’d been a coward those two years ago. He’d ran from his problems, and let Taako behind. He’d been unfair and he could now admit he was wrong. He wished there was a way to get that point to Taako without having to contact him. That was impossible though. They’d made a promise to finish those 36 questions together, Taako had kept up that promise and he hadn’t. 

And so in a fit of the stupid inspiration that comes in the early hours of the morning he found himself clicking the link to Taako’s work email. It would be formal this way, a message he had no obligation to answer. Kravitz would just send the last of his answers and he done with it, promise fulfilled, thought years late. Maybe this would help him finally move on. 

He started his email with “to Taako, I made a promise two years ago to finish those 36 questions together. You kept up your end, and for that I’m grateful. I though didn’t, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve attached my response to the last 16 questions below. I’m not looking for forgiveness, nor do I think I deserve it. I’m just looking to give you the answers you deserved, the answers that I promised you. I don’t expect I response, I’m only looking to fulfill my promise” and then he hit send. Against all better judgment he’d hit send and initiated contant with the ex-finance he still held feeling for. He was an idiot, and yet even just knowing he’d sent his answers made him feel better, lighter almost. Maybe it wouldn’t be enough to get over Taako, but Maybe it would be a step in the right direction. He wouldn’t let himself stay stuck living in the past anymore. 

The reply he woke up to was unexpected though. It was simple. Taako just stating that a new addition had been added where the question doers would stare into the others eyes for four minutes. He explained he didn’t expect Kravitz to want to do it, and that if he never wanted to talk again that was fine. But he also offered Kravitz an hour of his time, at the cafe they’d had their first date at to do this last step. And being the idiot he was he said yes. He wondered if maybe Taako held some ulterior motive in doing it, maybe it was trying to win Kravitz back, or he wanted to flex some new relationship and rub it in Kravitz’s face, maybe he wanted to show Kravitz how much he’d moved on, or maybe he really did just want to do the last step of the questions. Who could be sure. 

So two weeks later Kravitz found himself nervously approaching the cafe. He’d considered backing out, or just straight up ditching, but Taako didn’t deserve to be stood up. Walking in his eyes immediately went to Taako, like they were drawn there. He froze, Taako hadn’t seen him yet and he sat there looking so familiar. He’d changed of course, after all two whole years had passed. His hair was still the same long wavy texture but it was layered differently, the ends an ombré into purple now. It suited him, Kravitz thought. His fashion sense was still him though, familiar in a comforting way. The child he was sitting with was unfamiliar and Kravitz wondered who he was, a nephew? A son? Some random child he’d picked up on the way there? Who could say. 

He was struck by now surreal the whole situation was when Taako took notice of him, his eyes lighting us with recognition as he waved him over. He couldn’t back down now. 

Approaching the table he caught the tale end of a conversation. “Take your cocoa to the far table and read your book or something. No snooping” Taako said to the child. The kid for his part just got up and did as he was told, Kravitz gathered his nerves and sat down across from Taako. 

“Sorry, my babysitter for Ango fell through and no one else could watch him. He’ll be over there though and I’m pretty sure he won’t be able to hear us” Taako sipped at his drink, Kravitz didn’t have anything to hold so he kind of just sat there awkwardly, all but twiddling his thumbs. “He doesn’t know” Taako said “I just told him we were meeting for business reasons. I don’t think he buys that but he’ll listen if I tell him not to pry. I hope. I have his receipts though, I won’t hesitate to return him” he said the last part lovingly, and Kravitz thought it was safe to assume that the kid was his son. What actually that meant was still uncertain. 

“He seems wonderful” Kravitz said noncommittally. He wasn’t sure what to say, this whole thing made him feel incredibly awkward. 

“Yeah he’s pretty cool” Taako said proudly. “But we’re not here about him. We’re here about us” 

“Listen Taako I’m really sorry for how I treated you. I was unfair and projected a lot of my anger towards myself onto you and that wasn’t ok of me-“ 

“Enough of that. I think we can both say we did a lot of things we regret back then. But that’s not what we’re meeting about today. We’re doing the last step of the questions and that’s it” Taako said. “Just, let’s do it ok?” 

“Yeah” Kravitz said lamely “and when we’re done?” He’d been wondering it for a while, now seemed like the best time to ask. 

“I don’t know. We can go back to not talking if you want. Or we can decide on something else. I don’t have a plan, but we can talk about it after if you want to?” 

“Yeah, I’d like to do that” Kravitz said, and then “do you have a timer? I can set one on my phone if you want me to”

“I got it” Taako said, holding up his phone. “You ready?” 

“Yeah start it” 

And then it was started. An eternity in four minutes. An awfully long time to stare into the eyes of a person you once and still love, and an awfully short time to reflect on ones feelings. 

Both men thought about the truth, not just the truths they’d shared, but the concept of truth as a whole. Truth wasn’t black and white, multiple things could be the truth. Sometimes there were no wrong answers, sometimes there were no right. What had happened between them had no right answers, they both knew that. It had been messy, painful and hard for all involved. It had made them both want to run, made them both want to cling to the lives they’d once held. Some truths stayed the same, they way they both still cared for the other. The way they both were uncertain about where their futures lay after this meeting. But some had changed, the anger fading, the guilt spiraling, the hurt ebbing and flowing with the passage of time. The four minutes of staring wasn’t easy, but nor was it hard, it was just...manageable. The same way living on without contact was, the same way talking as if they were strangers was, the same way their current meeting was. 

Your truth and your feelings don’t have to last forever, they can change along with you. And sometimes two people and two different answers can both coexist and be right. Sometimes the truth was unknown, sometimes the truth was something you could never know. And sometimes that was ok. 

And all together those four minutes melted away and let the two in the quiet that followed. 

“Thank you for doing this for me” Taako said at last. Kravitz noticed that once more he was twisting his hair the way he always had. “I know it’s probably been uncomfortable for you, seeing me again after everything.” 

“I’d assume the same would go for you” Kravitz answered back. 

“You’re right. I thought maybe it would help though. Somehow” 

“Did it?” 

“I’m not sure. But I’m glad it happened” 

“Me too” 

“I’ve missed you” it was said softly, like a prayer. “You don’t have to respond to that. I don’t expect anything more than this meeting...I just have.” 

“So have I. I tried not to but...” 

“Nothing worked” Taako completed the thought. “I get that. Things get better and you’re still stuck living with the things you can’t forget” he laughed, a small thing. “It’s frustrating sometimes, but it’s also part of what makes me, me? You know” 

“I supposed it is” and then a pause and “I saw you started that YouTube channel you’ve always wanted to. I think a congratulation is appropriate” Taako smiled his lopsided smile and Kravitz was once more reminded of how much he cared for the other man. 

“Thank you, I don’t really know what you’ve been up to but I hope it’s been going well” 

“It has, I guess” Kravitz said, he didn’t offer any further details. He wasn’t sure where to go from here. Their reunion hadn’t killed his feelings, but hadn’t fully reignited them either. “Where do we go from here?” He asked. 

“Where do you want us to go?” Taako echoed back. His hands wrapped and twisted at his hair, never stopping for a moment. 

“I guess I don’t know” Kravitz admitted “for so long I’ve been wanting to let you go and move on but now...I don’t think I was ever fully ready to” 

“And now?” 

“I don’t think I am, I’m sorry” 

“Don’t be. If it makes you feel any better I feel the same. “ 

“So what do we do?” 

“I mean we have a few options. We can go back to being no contact. I’m down for that if it’s what we agree on, or we can agree to talk to each other again. Not as lovers but as friends I guess? See where that leads us” 

“I mean it may not be the best idea but I really like the sound of that second option” Kravitz said. “Just for the record, as much as I’d as I don’t want to admit it, I still hold feelings for you. It wouldn’t be fair to agree to be friends without making you aware of that. I understand if that changes your answer” 

“It doesn’t” Taako’s fingers twisted and twisted “for the record, I still do too. But we can’t just back into a relationship. That wouldn’t be healthy. I think we just need to...start talking I guess? And see where it leads us? Maybe our feelings will change, maybe they won’t. We’ll cross those bridges when he get there...it’s just...Things have felt so wrong without you, and just you being back here now they feel right for the first time in what feels like forever. And maybe it’s wrong of me to think that, but it’s the truth. And we promised to tell the truth, remember” and he did, how could he forget. “Let’s just, see how things happen. That’ll be enough” 

“I couldn’t agree more” 

And with that their reunion was over. Taako left with his son, and Kravitz returned to his home. There was still a lot of uncertainty in his life, but things felt clearer after his talk with Taako. He was ok with this. They’d talk, and if that lead them back to being together they’d accept it. And if it lead to them never talking again, they’d accept that too. To an outsider it would sound crazy, but to them it made perfect sense. Sometimes there’s no clear right answer. The space from each other had given them more than enough time to figure that out. The truth was a sticky thing, constantly whirling and changing beneath your feet. What’s true for you, didn’t always stay true and that was ok. Sometimes the future is unclear and that’s scary. But they were going to work on this. And that made things just a little less scary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So anyone whose listened to the 36 musical mag have picked up that the ending is a little different on this one. I played around with the idea of having a totally open ending like the og, but I ended up like it this ending better and kept it. Hope it was enjoyable!


End file.
